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Senior Student: “Sir, may I have your digits?”

Me: “Why do you need that?”

Him: “In case I need to call you about the assignment.”

Me: “You have my work e-mail for that.”

Him: “Why won’t you give me your number?”

Me: “It’s nothing personal. I just don’t want students calling me at home.”



I’ve just handed out a set of novels to my English 10 class.

Student:  “Sir, do you have any newer copies?”

Me:  “No.  Just those.”

Her:  “It’s a bit unsanitary, don’t you think?  Like, who knows how many kids wiped their noses and then flipped through these pages?”

Me:  “I never thought of that.  Man, imagine what the bottom of your desk must be like.”

Her:  “Oh god!”

Way To Go


Grade 10 Student:  “Sir, so you think dying while doing something you love is an okay way to go?”

Me:  “Yes, indeedy.”

Him:  “So, you love teaching, right?”

Me:  “Uh oh.”

Him:  “So if you had a heart attack right here in this classroom while teaching me, that’d be a good way to go?”

Me:  “Do you know CPR?”

Him:  “No.”

Me:  “Can it be another class?”

Him:  “Hey!”

I’m Korean


Grade 11 Student:  “Sir, what does this mean?”

He holds out a piece of paper with some Chinese lettering on it.

Me:  “Why?”

Him:  “I want a tattoo.  I just want to make sure it means something cool.”

Me:  “And you’re asking me for a translation?”

Him:  “Yeah.”

Me:  “It means forgetful.

Him:  “Damn.  That won’t work.”



A grade 10 student has a newspaper in front of her.

Her:  “Sir, do you want to hear your horoscope?”

Me:  “Let me guess.  It suggests I keep an open mind about something, or watch out for something, or explore new options.”

Her:  “What’s your sign?”

Me:  “Aquarius.”

She reads.

Her:  “How did you know?”

Me:  “I’m psychic.”

Her:  “No way!”



Grade 9 Student:  ”Sir, what size pants do you wear?”

Me:  ”Why?”

Her:  ”My dad wants to buy you a gift.”

Me:  ”And so your father wants to buy me pants?”

Her:  “Not really.  But he asked me what you liked and I told him pants.”

Me:  ”Why’d you tell him that?”

Her:  “He found it weird, too.”



Senior Student:  “Sir, this book seriously sucks.”

Me:  “Jane Austen is beloved around the world and her novels are considered classics.  Just give it a chance.”

Him:  “If I was interested in a bunch of boring people who do nothing and gossip all day, I can hang around the cafeteria.”  

A Sexual Reproduction


A grade 9 student is doing his science work in my class during lunch.

Him:  “Sir, do you know how many orgasms there are in asexual reproduction?”

Me:  “Do you mean organisms?”

He looks down at his text.

Him:  “Yeah.”



Grade 11 Student: “Sir, you ever smoke?”

Me: “Yes. Started when I was your age.”

Him: “Why did you start?”

Me: “I saw a movie called Now, Voyager starring Bette Davis. There was this French actor named Paul Henreid. Super suave. He put two cigarettes in his mouth and lit both of them and…

Playing a Part


A senior walks into class after a three-day absence.

Him: “I forgot my doctor’s note, sir. I’ll bring it tomorrow.”

Me: “No prob. You okay?”

Him: “Kind of. I had this weird thing growing out of my man parts.”

Me: “Okay, I really don’t want to hear this.”

Him: “Scared the hell out of me. But…

Carpe Diem


Senior Student:  “Sir, when are you going to retire?”

Me:  “I’m not sure.  I didn’t start saving for my retirement until quite late.”

Him:  “Why’s that?”

Me:  “For most of my life so far, I’ve lived as if each day were my last.”

Him:  “And then what happened?”

Me:  “I suddenly realized I might live past tomorrow.”

Such Concern


Grade 11 Student:  “Sir, how’re you doing?”

Me:  “I’m fine, thanks.”

Him:  “You look a bit sick.  You feeling okay?”

Me:  “We’re going to have the test today.”

Him:  “Hey, I’m offended that you think that’s the only reason I was asking.  How do you know I’m not really concerned about your health?”

I’m staring at him.

Him:  “Okay, I really don’t care.”

Young Jedi


I am handing back assignments to my English 9 class.

Student:  (Surprised by his mark.)  “An A!”

Me:  “It was a masterful job, young Jedi.”

Him:  “I’m Corey.”

Me:  “What?”

Him:  “I’m Corey, not Jedi.”

Me:  “Sorry.  May the force be with you.”

Him:  (To another student, quietly.)  “What’s wrong with him?”



Grade 11 Student:  “Sir, do you believe there’s life on other planets?”

Me:  “Sure, why not?”

Him:  “Really?”

Me:  “I don’t really care either way.”

Him:  “How does it not blow your mind?”

Me:  “There’s life on this planet none of us really care about.  So why care about life up there that we’ll have no chance of seeing?”

Him:  “I care about all life.”

Me:  “What are the names of all your neighbours?”

Him:  “Good point.”

Animal, Vegetable or…


In the middle of an exercise, I suddenly point at a grade 8 student.

Me:  “Quick!  Name your favorite animal.”

Him:  “Pokemon!”

The students erupt in laughter. 

Me:  “I’m surprised you didn’t choose a shark or something.”

Him:  “Me, too.”